The purpose of a shock absorber in a car is pretty much what you’d think – they absorb bumps and road imperfections so that passengers experience a smoother ride. In addition to that, they allow the driver to maintain greater control over the vehicle. The best way to understand the value of shock absorbers is to ride in a vehicle with failed ones. What you’ll notice is a very harsh, often jarring ride. Since the only thing left suspending the car off the rigid wheel axles are springs, you also experience this odd boat-like sense of riding on waves. It’s a very strange experience with a very real sense of discomfort.
Life is like riding in a car on a very long road trip. There are stretches of highway, where things are relatively smooth, the windows are open, the music is on. Life is good. But then there are times when we decide to take a shortcut (often against God’s will and to our own peril) which may be rather bumpy with a few potholes, even. If we don't have “shock absorbers” we’re going to be uncomfortable for a time.
Let me give you a practical example of this analogy. Suppose the mother of a young child decides she’s going to make a bad decision. She justifies it in her head by saying, “Well, this will only affect me, so…” But, eventually, as is always the case, bad decisions made by parents trickle down to their kids, whether any of us parents like to admit it or not (kids are in the same car as their parents, after all). If the car must traverse some rough terrain, everyone in the car is going to suffer for it. Fair enough?
What I’ve seen and experienced (both as a passenger and a driver) is that parents will sometimes use their own children as shock absorbers. Let me explain…
In the grand scheme of things, we all have thresholds for pain and suffering. When we reach them, we tap out, receding into our own heads or even worse, in some cases, running away from our problems altogether, leaving those we love to fend for themselves (ref: Be Present Today). Hopefully, we quickly regather ourselves and get past our own dysfunction before the car has completely driven into a ditch. Supposing everyone in the car survived this latest leg of the road trip called life, who, pray tell in retrospect, was left to cope with the severe conditions while the driver was checked out? Who was left having to step into a role that wasn’t theirs to fill? Who was left to absorb the shock of going offroad in the first place? The kids.
If the shock absorbers in your car failed, would you ever dream of putting your children between the frame and axles to absorb the bumps you’re driving over so that you could experience a smoother ride? That sounds like an abomination, doesn’t it? And yet, what’s more scarring in the long run than emotional damage where you put your kids between you and your personal dysfunction? Get the point?
Children are not our personal shock absorbers!
Among the greatest blessings any one of us are ever given is children. They are vulnerable, weak, impressionable, and ours to protect. Parents make terrible choices and then write the damage off with, “Oh, kids are resilient, they’ll survive these hard times just fine.” That’s a cop out I’ve heard many, many divorcees tell themselves, for example. Meanwhile, their kids are left with all the cuts and bruises from playing shock absorber for their parents’ sins.
Kids are supposed to be provided with stress-free environments where they can enjoy the simplicity of discovery, learning, and growing. God gives children to us as models of faith, even.
And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.
Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.
- Mark 10:13-16
Children are a great illustration of what it means to have nothing to give and so much to receive. Do we really want to jam them between us and our problems, between the weight of the frame and the steel axle of the car we’re driving? Can we even look at ourselves without utter shame when we put them in a position to absorb the brunt of our dysfunction?
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”
- Matthew 18:1-6
Jesus had strong feelings regarding children, for they are innocent of their parents’ sins. Yet, we pile on dysfunction when they’re young and then expect them to emerge from the cradle of the family structure unscathed and ready to take on life with abandon. We justify it to each other, saying, “Oh, well they had it better than I ever did.” And we tell stories about how tough we had it growing up “back in the day”. That’s garbage; nothing more than a weak person making excuses.
Children are not designed to bear our burdens. It’s our job to protect them, not ruin them and then send them out into the world with fingers crossed. Besides, aren’t we supposed to be modeling Christ in our households and not just the world? Indeed.
I hope that some of you who read this blog say in your hearts, “Yes, preach it, Pastor!” But I know that for some of you this is an indictment (to be fair, we’ve all failed in this regard at some point). My encouragement is that you absorb the hard truth about yourself and your own sinfulness so that your kids won’t have to when you take these things out on the open road with them.
Love in Christ,
Ed Collins
PS: Please don’t make the dire mistake of dwelling on your past failures as a parent. Today’s a new day. Your kids need you right now. Get over yourself. Get back behind the wheel and do the best you can, by the grace of God. This blog is about perspective, integrity, and honesty. That’s the best place to start your day, especially if you’re just coming off an ungodly offroad experience that has caused you and your loved ones a great deal of pain.
